Neighborly.

Dear Neighbor,

I'm confused about something and I hope you can help me out with it. A few days ago we were both outside and you were getting into your sexy, sleek minivan. You asked me where my car was. I told you that my husband took it to work. You then said, "Oh, well my husband takes the bus to work and leaves me the car." You "har-har'd" and shrugged and said, "I guess he loves me, huh?" What. The. Fuck. Was that supposed to mean? My husband doesn't love me because he took OUR car to work? I don't need the car during the day, period. I'm too busy staying home, surfing the intarweb, and pissing my editor off by sending him shit full of commas that aren't in the right places.

This next comment, though... I really need help understanding. I just don't get it. You looked at the building next to ours and said, "Oh, I see that car isn't for sale any more." I agreed that it was not. You got a nasty look on your face and said, "I don't understand why people need TWO vehicles. WE don't have two!" Why the fuck is it any of your business how many cars people have? Maybe they make more money than your husband and don't have three kids? Maybe they just WANT another car? You are jealous. Isn't envy a sin? Oh, it must be okay because nowhere in the bible does it say you shall not be envious of other people's cars. You're good, then.

Here's my secret, Neighbor. The people with the car took the for-sale sign off of it because my husband bought it for me. These people aren't leaving until the end of the month and still need both of their cars in the meantime. I'll be sure to park it right next to your minivan. I guess this means my husband loves me, huh?