I have a case of the regain. Oh noes
. I have been clear about it, and I do not hide the fact that I have regained weight and I do not hide from the camera. Evidence: Facebook.
That said, I don't make a big deal about the number I see on the scale, because I do not allow the number to define me.
I am very much over allowing a NUMBER tell me WHO I am and HOW I am going to feel on any given day -- and I rarely weigh myself. Several months ago, I was started on a new anti-epilepsy medication that often causes weight gain and it did, and my weight slowly crept up to That Place Where I Freak The Eff Out.
Since then, it's come back down to a reasonable place to where I can manage it, and I am within ten pounds of my low-normal-average. But here is the weird thing - it's SO VERY OBVIOUS.
One year ago - I hit a low in the summer July/August of 2011. I had life drama and things went awry for a while. I might have dropped a bit lower - this photo was taken in early September 2011 -
This past weekend, at 174 lbs.
I actually saw a few pounds higher many weeks ago and NO NO NO NO NO this will NOT HAPPEN and put the kabosh on some bad habits -
"Hey, let's have one two three pieces of toast with gallons of butter on it?! WHO DOES THAT?!"
Obviously, Beth does. "OMG, say it isn't so!" It is. It can be. I am pushing nine years post op, and three or even four pieces of 35 calorie bread breaks down to nada ounces in your pouch -- and really -- is nothing. So. Hushyomoufabouteatingtoomuch.
I stopped that bullshit.
Because I am smart enough to know better because I refuse to purchase size 14W, mmkay?
I know better. I have demons, they appear in the form of buttery carbs, hence they Do Not Belong In My Area.
I am already down several pounds, but, I am still remaining apathetic about it because the pounds do not define me, I DO.
The reason I mention it at all -- the regain -- is that someone else asked me how much I had gained since I saw them last! I was taken aback a bit, considering I thought I was pretty damn upfront about my size, and I did not realize I had been ... watched so closely.
I suppose I expect a certain amount of it -- considering that I blog about weight loss surgery, I expect that there is a certain subsection of people waiting for long-termers like me to Fail, Publicly and Like a Trainwreck. But, I also have complex issues making my long-term-WLS-life more sticky than they might like to read about -- which is why I rarely write about MYSELF AT ALL.
Because it scares people.
I did not really respond to the well-meaning-regain-question-asker with anything other than, "Well, I am taking a lot of neuro meds." True. I am up to a couple thousand milligrams of AEDs a day, and in pre-operative testing for brain surgery.
This person said that she noted that I was noticeably bigger than the last time she saw me, and she assumed from a purely medical standpoint (she meant no harm...) that I simply must be taking medication to cause gain, that it was not something I was doing -- like -- toast eating. It's the truth, so it really did not bother me since I was already aware, you know? I live in this body, I know when I can't zip up my OWN PANTS!
In the big picture -- it's still only ten pounds. Ten apathetic pounds.