We moved house on Halloween, and in the process, my scale lost it's batteries.
I have avoided quite successfully, replacing the batteries to the scale. The scale, with it's cracked plastic face, still weighs and measures quite accurately and is that what I am afraid of? It hasn't been very long since I checked in with that scale. And my eating hasn't changed much at all, as it never does. I eat what doesn't kill me, and occasional OH MY GOD I MIGHT DIE BECAUSE I ATE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME foods. I have been one of the most boring-est eaters since weight loss surgery you might ever know.
What I do know is that I am in need of clothes, it's nearly winter and I was wearing maternity clothes in a bigger size last year, and I have nothing right now that fits me appropriately and I really did not want to start this season in my kids' hand me downs. I am in that NO YOU CAN'T GAIN ANYMORE range, I know it. I don't need a scale to tell me that I can hold up a pair of size 14 jeans on my regain butt.
Then again, I'm also okay at this size, because it's also where I land every time I just simply eat what I feel like having without drama. Does that make any sense to you? I feel like if I just added exercise to my current-state-of-toast-and-protein, I would trickle back to my tighter self. Honestly, it's the lack of Doing, not the Poor Eating. I am a decent, not super, decent, better than many, eater. A few days a week of moving my ass would really do the trick.
Could someone just sell that as an edible product -- motivation? Because I don't have it. Aside from running a 13 month old up and down stairs, it's just not happening. All the advice in the world, I'll find excuses.
HERE is one of my favorite speakers at the #YWM2014 event. HANDS, BUTT down.
Get up! Non-exercise Activity Thermogenesis - the N.E.A.T. Energy of Life
Streamed live on Sep 27, 2014
Everything that we do throughout the day uses up our metabolic energy. Dr. Levine explains all the components of your daily energy expense, or N.E.A.T., and the science of how you can make this energy loss part of your strategy to improve health.
I got Reebok sneaker swag at fitbloggin from (...again!) this year! (Last year my kid stole the shoes from me and I never got a shot to share them with you. You don't want the review now. She's um, made them special.)
The new CrossFit Nano 2.0. has an upper designed for lateral support, and a low profile platform that balances cushioning and stability so you can stay quick, safe and comfortable through even the toughest WODs.
Breathable mesh upper for added ventilation
Low-cut for added mobility
DuraGrip print along the toe cap makes it durable for longer use
High abrasion rubber outsole for improved durability
Upper designed for lateral support and stability
Full length low profile with EVA midsole for cushioning and low-to-ground soccer feel
Forefoot flex grooves for added flexibility
I will wear them to the gym tonight and check-back with a review immediately!
Recently when I saw a fresh weight loss and posted it, I was confronted with a commenter who asked me why I posted my body-weight. It is a fair question and I do not challenge her asking it, because it's been asked of me many times when I have posted my actual weight-as-a-number.
I will say that number-sharing is the norm (...or was?) in the weight loss surgery/bariatric community as a whole for as long as I have been a part of it -- and that is at least 10-12 years that I have actively read and participated in emails, groups and chats. I posted the question as a poll this morning on Facebook as well. Go answer! Come back.
Back in the hey-day of message boards we would add a line of text to our signatures (..siggies!) to signify our -
HW (Highest Weight)
SW (Start Weight or Surgery Weight)
CW (Current Weight)
GW (Goal Weight)
They would look alot like this!
HW - 320 SW - 298 CW - 151 - GW - 150
Don't judge the comic-sans.
I would go back to *my old posts circa 2003/2004 and show you, except I was banned from my message board back then, and my posts via BethLButterfly disappeared. She posted in Comic Sans at times. Her demise is why MM exists.
Number or weight sharing is. Was. Always will be? I would say that in general -- most individuals that have bariatric surgery are often proud of every single pound lost, and want to wear their "pounds lost" as a badge of honor. Some post ops are extraordinarily proud and not only wear the pounds lost, current weight, but will add things like "LBS GONE FOREVER!"
Losing weight is no easy feat, and after bariatric surgery -- it feels like victory. Why wouldn't someone want to own it -- even just for a while? I suppose when you've been 500, 400, 300, 250 lbs -- wearing a newly slimmed down self is quite a change and being able to put that number out there to the universe -- even just for a while is worth it.
Now, for me. This commenter wondered if my posting about my actual number was an obsession - let me clear it up here. No. I've always weighed myself.
Bariatric surgery and the life afterwards is ALL ABOUT NUMBERS. Losing pounds, inches, and sometimes counting calories, measuring food, and exercise. If you're a pre-op that doesn't want to 'hear that' - I am sorry - but it really, truly, is.
I absolutely understand that some people take these numbers to an extreme - and extremes are unhealthy at any level -- and that is how we get into situations like: needing bariatric surgery. Extreme caloric intake is unhealthy, an extreme sedentary lifestyle is unhealthy. We require balance.
It takes a very long time for some people to learn this: example ----> ME.
While I have always "weighed-in," I am also The Queen Of Avoidance, and as soon as I see the scale move up - I remove the scale. (That's magic, if I can't see my regain, no one else can. That is, until I SEE THE PHOTO EVIDENCE MYSELF AND SCREAM. *See below.)
So what has changed? I removed myself from the effects of negative influences -- changed my views on some things and ... GASP ...
I added ACCOUNTABILITY to my daily life. I now weigh myself near-daily, or at LEAST weekly. I check-in my food nearly every single day on a journal.
Is that obsessive? No. Why? Because before -- not paying attention led to weight regain. Surrounding myself by people with negative and apathetic views on life - brought me down.
But, recently I started paying attention - and seeing results:
My brain likes to see results, black and white, literal, on paper, in lines, to show me that if I DO X - Y WILL HAPPEN.
Because it works. (Shut up Weight Watchers.) And my little brain likes proof.
If I can see tangible results I will keep going - I will keep doing a thing if I can see a result. I do not like to work for "free - " you see. Does that make sense? Here's an example, a very simple one. I started going to the gym and doing basic exercise (...long walks on the treadmill and seated elliptical) about a month ago (...I'll check back in my Facebook check ins) and I noticed a tangible result the night before last. My leg muscles are coming back. This is enough to create a positive reaction to keep me motivated.
It's not about obsessing about a number. I don't have a goal.
When I post this image, it's a big deal for me. This indicates that Beth Has Been On The Treadmill For An Hour Almost Every Day 9/10 Days. I also don't typically chart my activity unless I do something on purpose so - this is "doing something on purpose."
I am trying to make a habit -- to create a new habit -- to learn to enjoy exercise before I develop complete loathing for it. Because it isn't that I hate exercise, I don't. I just don't enjoy many of same things that others LIKE to do and I am not cut out for a lot of the things that many of you might enjoy.
For example - I will never be a long distance outdoor runner. It just won't happen. I can't run outdoors, unsupervised. Why? I am an uncontolled epileptic and likely to dash into traffic. I can't swim alone for the same reason, nor can my kids. I can't kayak. I can't use a bike. Nor can I take my kids on bike rides. Yeah, yeah. It sucks. Whine whine. LOL.
I CAN walk briskly on a treadmill with a safety clip on - with people around me. (10 times, 10 hours. 3/5-4 miles each. I haven't fallen.)
Nobody needs to know I am a high-fall risk. (Even though I am.) I take two medications that cause "dizziness" and "sleepiness" among other things.
I CAN walk with the family away from the road, in the woods, trails, etc. I can hula hoop. I can roller skate! (I just did.) I can take classes at the gym when I can GET there. I've been lying to myself about all the "can'ts."
I am approximately five pounds above my very lowest post op weight, which I saw one year post op before I got pregnant and right before I bounced up to 175 lbs. I will say this, my lower weight looks different the second time around. That first low-weight crash post surgery looks like death-warmed over. I look healthier now, and I think it's honestly because I eat food now and haven't had a massive weight loss like in 2004.
People have asked me "What are you doing differently now?"
Food journaling and keeping myself aware of the calories I take in. I don't journal everyday, but I DO journal.
I stopped using soy milk, and swapped to unsweetened almond milk in my coffee and for whatever other "milk" uses I have. I don't use dairy milk at all.
I quit my Starbucks habit pretty much altogether. I get an iced coffee or cappuccino if someone else takes ME out for coffee, but it's rare, and definitely less than once a week. Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, once a week.
No crackers. If I must, one serving, with protein.
No potato chips, etc.
No candy, only super dark 70%+ chocolate if I must have something. One serving.
No protein bars, except to review them, unless I am REPLACING A MEAL with one.
No protein shakes, except to review them, unless I am REPLACING A MEAL with one.
This isn't "new" - but zero alcohol in my house. It's just a rule. If it's not here, I can't have it. It's just the rule.
If there's one thing I have learned this year - it's that I can't graze without noting. I can't just nibble all day long and expect that I won't see gains, because I do. I gain very fast on relatively low calories.
I have also learned that giving up things I can't control - stressors - outside influences - people, even - helps. I started losing the weight as soon as I made this connection.
Look at my weight loss timeline. Look at the dates.
Now look at my regain photos from the last year - same timing.
Seems easy enough, right?
Let. it. go.
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” ― C. JoyBell C.
People CAN be TOXIC to your HEALTH. Let. them. go.
(*Not the ones in this photo. LOL. But, I am also 25 lbs lighter SINCE these photos and the timeline. It's a visual.)
I'm not a shopper. Since I work from home, I rarely get new clothes.
The other day I noticed that New York + Co had a 50% off everything sale and went in. The saleswoman said to me, "You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here."
I told her that I am not fan of clothes shopping, and she called me "Cute," and "Small."
I laughed, and realized soon why I have so much dismay for clothes shopping. THE FITTING ROOM. THE LIGHTS.
THE VARICOSE VEINS. I have the legs of an 80 year old woman.
It's not about SIZES or the number on my scale, because I am nearly to my lowest weight. I reached my lowest weight just after one year post op, I hit 149 pounds for one day and regained immediately.
I am 156 pounds today.
I still don't like the melted candle puddle of skin that I have -- nine years later. Full honesty, I am FINE with it once I am wearing appropriate undergarments and everything is in it's place, but even in a size 8P (I also bought a pair of 6P) - sometimes you feel like a puddle of flesh.
You may have noticed that I was food journaling for a brief time, and I quit. I told you before, I hate food journaling with an undying passion. It makes me want to eat more calories and play games with my calories, and I truly do not enjoy putting myself in diet-brain. When I am food journaling and see 1000 calories on the board, I may unconsciously just go to the kitchen and get a snack, because I've got room to spare, and so on and so forth.
It fails me.
Well, it worked at first. I lost weight. I lost a few of my regained pounds. I did. But. It stopped working. I stopped working. I am now maintaining without changing a damned thing, and it is frustrating to say the least.
So -- what's the difference?
I was taking Topamax previously. And? I was easily maintaining my (lower) weight. I stopped taking it, oh... just about the time I GAINED WEIGHT!
Apparently that shit works. Why did I stop taking it? I ran out of my prescription -- and my appointment for the my neurologist wasn't until March -- now it's bumped to April. I called and begged for a refill. I take Topamax as it's an anti-convulsant, but it's also known for it's anti-appetite components. I didn't know if it helped me maintain my weight at all -- but I think that's my clue.
I got a refill today, took half my daily dose and it kicked in immediately. I am in a brain cloud at the moment, please do not ask me anything important at this time, or maybe you should.
I often say this is treadmill music. I am in complete exercise avoidance mode due to the state of my abdomen and upcoming surgery, but if I were going to walk on the treadmill today? THIS WOULD BE THE SONG.
I have been eating "well" with a few forays into indiscretions (That means donuts, but we can play the blame game, because Beth doesn't bring them home to herself, does she? But, does she HAVE to just nibble at them, just because they're in a bag calling her name?) and I am sitting at 166 pounds.
I had hoped that I would drop lower, but, whatever, I will take it. My pants fit better, some fell off.
I have exercised more in the last few weeks than I have in the last six months - and I can feel my legs growing some muscles which I desperately need. To be honest, this number on the scale would be just lovely if I were somewhat taut around the excess skin. I totally could be, I haven't ever really tried. And by "exercise," I mean, walking - pretty fast - mostly fast enough that I couldn't hold a conversation while pushing a stroller - for a half hour to and hour and a half at least five days a week. (I just Google mapped that walk, it's about 4 miles - and one hour without stopping, 90 minutes when I have interruptions.)
Yesterday, one of my neighbors called over to me, she asked me to come knock on her door, next time I go, because she's seen me walking and wants to be motivated to do it. Who knew? Me as motivation? :x Hehehe. She's got terror in a stroller too - so perhaps I'll drag her around a couple days a week while her older kid is in preschool. I'm not so sure she's going to be that excited about my 90 minute lap then again neither am I. I don't recall if I ever told her about "The WLS" but she's a post op too, so commiseration will probably commence within the first five minutes of a walk, unless she's had a butterfly journey.
Anyway, crossing of the fingers and toes would please ensue? The spouse has a meeting with his boss today, and they're talking future. I would love for something/anything to happen and be solidified before I start trying to find work again - and - school/classes/courses, especially because of the reality that he may be less available if he moves on in job titles. (Which also means - I need to buy wheels, SOON - so that I am not left scrambling to do so if he's shuffled off to commute and we have no car - and no Dad.)
You know it's time to go grocery shopping in my house when I have finally thrown out the last of the food that I did not eat that I said I would. Typically, it's yogurt. I buy oodles of yogurt. "I should eat yogurt, it's really good for your digestion, you know. Look! It's on sale, let's get ten! Ooh, how about this delightfully slimy flavor!" I have never liked the stuff.
I truly do not like artificially sweetened yogurt, but I can't stop myself, I have a yogurt purchasing compulsion issue. Please help me.
In an effort to SBA (Save Beth's ass) I ate a yogurt just now. The LAST yogurt, dated February 28th, 2008. GULP, Immadienow.
Again, I am telling you, "diet" yogurt is why diet starts with DIE.
(You all saw a glimpse of The ass That Ate Boston online yesterday, and I had my chubby finger on the delete button, but I stopped. I realized, you know - if that isn't motivation - what is?)
ETA: I've come back to read this post, because the yogurt + half serving of Fiber One made me crash, so, screw yogurt. Yogurt, fiber, diets, you all suck.
From this week's PostSecret: While I laughed when I read it, I also realized, but, I'm not that lazy.
Most times, in my head I'm rearing to go, but either it's nearly impossible or I have no energy. Sure, I have excuses! Excuses are what we need! I'm anemic, I'm hypoglycemic - both of which can make you a lump on a log. But I never sit down, aside from if I am online, reading and posting. If you catch me sitting on the couch or in bed laying down, you know I am sick or something is wrong.
The kids will freak: "Mama, you're sick? What's the matter? Why are you sitting?" But I am online a lot. I spend both of the baby's naps online (she's sleeping now, and she's miserably not well) and when the kids are in bed and Bob does his homework, I go online. In between, I do all the domestic poop that is required to keep a level of chaos to a minimum, but that's it. I do not watch television, unless it's already on and I can watch and read at the same time. I cannot just watch TV unless I am sick. It's weird, I get way too distracted. And I also ramble a lot. Ramblings my favorite, what were we discussing? Oh, being lazy. No, I am not lazy. I never was. Even fatter I wasn't lazy. I was slower but not lazy. Now if I could only lasso my little bit of real energy into something productive - we would have, um, production!